Monday, January 14, 2013

This Is The Year To GET REAL


[feyl-yer] Show IPA
an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure.
nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.
a condition of being bankrupt by reason of insolvency.
I've decided to "over-share" this year; bare my soul, so to speak. Stop reading now if you don't want to know these things...
Failure is what I feel a great deal of the time. I am probably one of the most insecure people you'll ever meet. In the last several years that insecurity has created anxiety in me that now requires medication. I never thought I'd be "one of THOSE people", you know, taking a pill to get through their day. I am though. The times that cause the most anxiety are when I have to be in large groups of people, going to games at school, Jeff's family for holidays, etc. The feeling of inadequacy; of not being "good enough" is really hard to manage. This makes me feel like a failure.
I've felt this way most of my life from when I was little. I have an incredibly successful older sister and I've never quite measured up. She's wonderful and I love her but she's perfect and that can make things difficult at times. I've called it Middle Child Syndrome. I have never been perfect.
I have a younger brother which defines failure in a completely different manner. I failed him in many ways. We have no relationship now and there are days I feel if I was just a little stronger I could allow him to be part of my life but I've grown to feel that a relationship with him is toxic and not good for either of us. I'd like to save him and he doesn't want to be saved. Fail... I've had to let him go and remember when he was good and not the tortured self he is now.
College... yet another of my failed attempts at the important things. I didn't appreciate it when it was handed to me. I couldn't manage 4 babies and keep up the college pace when I tried again. I'm hoping someday to finish and mark this one off my Chart of Failure.
Parenting. Not always do I feel like I've failed but recently things have been tough with the Big's. I feel more like a failure at this juncture than I EVER did when they were Little's. I'm too paranoid and because of that, it is extremely hard to let go. I have very vivid dreams of car wrecks, accidents, assaults on my children. I am terrified whenever they drive off - is the road slick, will there be deer out, are they texting? I was told in not so many words the other night that I have failed miserably as a parent. Thank God they have Jeff because I know that in many ways I have failed them.
I have a hard time starting things because I know that whatever it is will end in failure. I'm sure I could take more pills and numb these feelings and insecurities into oblivion, however I also know that would solve nothing.
I am shocked that I am in a marriage that has survived 20 years. It's been so hard to make it work sometimes. When will he walk out the door? Ask for a divorce? Not come home? I struggle daily to quiet these thoughts. There are good days and bad, right now the bad are outweighing the good. Too much thinking is never a good thing for me.
I try to be a good person and do the right thing but it always feels like I'm chasing my tail. I will never be good enough. I have contemplated disappearing and letting Jeff find someone more deserving and giving my kids a chance to breathe. If I just disappeared somewhere they could forget I existed. I could forget that I ever existed. If I did it would be one more huge failure. I can't help feeling that the people in my life deserve better. For 40 years I've felt like such a failure and my hope is that finally saying this out loud will allow me to let it go, to get over it, move on, succeed.


  1. This made me so sad to read. I'm sorry you're down right now. As someone who is also battling their depression and anxiety at this time, I can feel it. No matter what anyone has said, you are certainly not a failure at parenting or being a wife. I hope things look up soon.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

  2. Sheila, I could relate to this post in so many ways. I'm sorry it's how you feel. I hope, deep down, you know it's not true. Your babies, your marriage, the friendships you have, your ability to make a lovely home for your family - these are all great things - YOUR successes. Do we all succeed daily? Nope - and that's hard. The yucky stuff is so much easier to focus on. For me, anyway. I'm writing this on a day when my heart is heavy after learning our community has lost 2 people who were way too young to leave us. All I can think about is how their families and friends are wishing they had one more day with them...heck, one more hour. It's all so precious once it's gone. I know you know this. You've written about it - movingly. For me, it's a reminder that no matter how badly I've messed things up - this is it. It's all we get. I have to keep getting back up. I have to keep the worrying at bay, or I'll destroy what's in front of me. The world is better for having you in it, and my hope is that you know that in the deepest recesses of your heart. I hope when the "other" voices start to scream, you can take solace in that one still place inside of you and know you're succeeding...simply by keeping on.