Monday, January 14, 2013

This Is The Year To GET REAL


[feyl-yer] Show IPA
an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure.
nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.
a condition of being bankrupt by reason of insolvency.
I've decided to "over-share" this year; bare my soul, so to speak. Stop reading now if you don't want to know these things...
Failure is what I feel a great deal of the time. I am probably one of the most insecure people you'll ever meet. In the last several years that insecurity has created anxiety in me that now requires medication. I never thought I'd be "one of THOSE people", you know, taking a pill to get through their day. I am though. The times that cause the most anxiety are when I have to be in large groups of people, going to games at school, Jeff's family for holidays, etc. The feeling of inadequacy; of not being "good enough" is really hard to manage. This makes me feel like a failure.
I've felt this way most of my life from when I was little. I have an incredibly successful older sister and I've never quite measured up. She's wonderful and I love her but she's perfect and that can make things difficult at times. I've called it Middle Child Syndrome. I have never been perfect.
I have a younger brother which defines failure in a completely different manner. I failed him in many ways. We have no relationship now and there are days I feel if I was just a little stronger I could allow him to be part of my life but I've grown to feel that a relationship with him is toxic and not good for either of us. I'd like to save him and he doesn't want to be saved. Fail... I've had to let him go and remember when he was good and not the tortured self he is now.
College... yet another of my failed attempts at the important things. I didn't appreciate it when it was handed to me. I couldn't manage 4 babies and keep up the college pace when I tried again. I'm hoping someday to finish and mark this one off my Chart of Failure.
Parenting. Not always do I feel like I've failed but recently things have been tough with the Big's. I feel more like a failure at this juncture than I EVER did when they were Little's. I'm too paranoid and because of that, it is extremely hard to let go. I have very vivid dreams of car wrecks, accidents, assaults on my children. I am terrified whenever they drive off - is the road slick, will there be deer out, are they texting? I was told in not so many words the other night that I have failed miserably as a parent. Thank God they have Jeff because I know that in many ways I have failed them.
I have a hard time starting things because I know that whatever it is will end in failure. I'm sure I could take more pills and numb these feelings and insecurities into oblivion, however I also know that would solve nothing.
I am shocked that I am in a marriage that has survived 20 years. It's been so hard to make it work sometimes. When will he walk out the door? Ask for a divorce? Not come home? I struggle daily to quiet these thoughts. There are good days and bad, right now the bad are outweighing the good. Too much thinking is never a good thing for me.
I try to be a good person and do the right thing but it always feels like I'm chasing my tail. I will never be good enough. I have contemplated disappearing and letting Jeff find someone more deserving and giving my kids a chance to breathe. If I just disappeared somewhere they could forget I existed. I could forget that I ever existed. If I did it would be one more huge failure. I can't help feeling that the people in my life deserve better. For 40 years I've felt like such a failure and my hope is that finally saying this out loud will allow me to let it go, to get over it, move on, succeed.