Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Let the Train Come

How often do your crises come?
How often do you feel like a failure?
Is your life NOW what you expected?
Mine's not...

It's taken a LONG time to admit that.
Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?
How come I was so sure at 19 where
I wanted to be when I was 40?
How come now that I'm 40, am I no longer
sure where I wanna be?

My sister told me last night I turned out all right.
That felt laughable when she said it.
Failure was HUGE last night.
It's been a very long time since I cried myself to sleep.

Why can't 1 day BE Freaky Friday?
Why can't you give your memories to your child for just 1 day?
Would they learn from your mistakes?
Would they understand your only regret?

I had to let go of 1 last year.
She's doing so good.
I didn't give her enough credit.

I have to let go of 3 more this year.
I'm not as confident.
I see the trainwreck of regret baring down on 1.
Do I sit back and just let the train come?

Will I always need to "get to" my kids?
Does that feeling EVER go away?
When they have their own?
This feeling has evolved in ways I least expected...

No more crying...
Sink or swim...
Forge ahead...
Trust in them...

Monday, October 3, 2011

If not Himself...

Life is funny.
I used to think I didn't want marriage.
I didn't want kids.
What a sense of humor God has.

Parker has been the child I least expected.
Why would I have a disabled child?
What did I ever do to deserve this?
It took awhile to realize it wasn't "done to me".

I'm pretty sure that this was done "for" me.
I had things to learn.
P became one of my biggest teachers.
I am grateful.

This was how P started.
All of 3.8lbs.
Not very healthy.
I was blissfully clueless - just glad they were alive...

We had no idea yet the struggles HE would face.

1996 and learning to sit.
2 years old.
Recently diagnosed.

They were just babies.
Yet to be defined.
Creating their own normal.
Expressing their own personality.

I remember this day clearly.
He was so excited.
His sisters have taken such good care of him.
They'll never admit it though.

1st crutches at 4.
So cute.
So much determination.

7th summer.
Both legs broken.
Both hamstrings lengthened.
Not much in the party spirit.

By next summer we were on a bike.

In Junior High he ran track.

In High School he's wrestled.

He's been on the speech team.

He's now on National Honor Society.

We had NO idea here:

That we'd ever get to here:

The lyrics to the song My Way sum up how I feel about this boy.
Whatever we've asked...
Whatever he's chosen...
He's done it HIS WAY.

To think I did all that

And may I say not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way

For what is a man what has he got
If not himself then he has not

To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

Somehow P became a man.
He did it on his own.
He created his normal.
And I am proud.